Cysticish Choices

Okay, so I'm jumping on the blogging about work bandwagon because it's an issue that just keeps coming up for me lately. There are a couple of reasons for this, but mostly it's because I chose a job that expects junior associates to be available to the firm more or less on demand, 24/7. Not that my firm is particularly unreasonable (I honestly think it's better about this aspect of the job than a lot of NYC firms), but honestly the job is very demanding, and it's so tough (and ridiculous) to be constantly worried about not keeping up at 27!!

Basically the situation is this: there is one particular case at my firm that has a lot of "emergencies" in the sense that the work isn't very consistent, but when there is an assignment it tends to be really time sensitive. I am staffed on this case, as are most of the litigators in my associate class. I am also on another case that has fairly consistent hours every single day and where nothing is particularly time sensitive. This second case is a very small team and makes up the majority of my work for the firm.

The problem is, every time the "emergency" case rears its head (which is about once every few weeks), the entire team has to work ridiculous hours in order to meet the deadline. As in full time, 7 days a week, for a period of anywhere from 2 weeks to 3 months. The more senior attorneys on the case are very understanding about my CF, but at the same time I feel like I can't demand too much leeway since my working less only means that my colleagues have to work more. Plus there's the fact that I don't WANT to ask for too many exceptions. Besides the fact that we're in the middle of a recession and this isn't the time to not pull my own weight, there's also the more personal issue for me: I went through 7 years of college and grad school to get where I am, I worked my ass off to get through an Ivy League law school and then to get my job at a competitive firm, and I probably sacrificed my health more than I should have. I simply don't want to have worked so hard and not to reap some of the rewards. And yes, I know 24/7 working hours aren't what normal people would call a "reward", but I'm not a normal person...I'm a lawyer ;) Seriously, I just want to be a productive, valued, and fully-involved member of the team!

Every single time this case comes up I end up sick. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to make the connection. Normal people get sick working all the time, so my body obviously CANNOT handle it. And I am well aware that health is the primary goal - that any other sacrifice should pale in the face of living long and living healthy.

"Should," however, doesn't always mean "does."

I feel like CF is robbing me of something I dreamed of and worked towards all my life. I feel like I'll never be able to be effective in a courtroom because I can't breath, I can't talk in complete sentences without coughing and/or pausing for breath. I feel like no one wants an associate who gets sick every other week. And I feel like even when I make the smart choice, even when I set limits and really stick to them, I still wind up getting sick. I'm not a "what's the point" kind of girl. I hate that question. But at the same time I feel like CF has given me just enough of a taste of what my life could be, has let me live just enough of a "normal" life to know what I'm missing, and now it's trying to take it all back. Not positive thinking, I know, and I will snap out of it and do the right thing for my health. But I want to allow myself just one chance to say how much it SUCKS before I do.

And now I'm off to go cuddle with my puppy, who by the way has proven himself the ULTIMATE in CF-friendly dogs. Not only is he hypoallergenic and more than happy to romp around in the dog run while I catch my breath on a bench, but his new favorite thing is to sleep on my lap while I do the Vest! What a sweetie.