Tuesday, December 14, 2010

All I Want for Christmas (Is My Two New Lungs)

Every year the holidays roll around and hundreds of CF/post-transplant spouses and significant others are left struggling with what gift to buy their sensual, scarred sweetie. Tragically, many of these clueless Cassanovas will miss the mark entirely, presenting their beloved with a gift basket of grapefruit or a membership to the Raw Meat of the Month Club. But don't be one of them! Let us help you stuff her stocking and trim her tree with helpful and exciting drugs from all walks of post-transplant life. Trust us, she (and her lungs) will thank you.

Prograf: Sure, it's predictable, but the classics never go out of style. This pill is as important as the little black dress for the transplant patient who truly wants to strut that new organ in style. It also comes in a wide assortment of dosages (each with its own color!) for your convenience. Try .5 mgs if you're shy, or hit the ground running with the 5 mg stunner and show her how much you really care. Bonus features of this gift include frequent blood draws, a sexy tremor no one can resist, possible long-term neurological issues, and some sleepless nights thrown in for good measure. We bet you'll know how to fill the extra hours...be creative.

Cellcept: Kinda like prograf, but bigger and harder to swallow! This (not so) little pill is perfect for the transplant patient who enjoys trying out new viruses and crazy bacteria that remain relatively unknown to the general population. Thought the Bubonic Plague was extinct? We bet Cellcept can prove you wrong! Use of this drug practically ensures that you'll have at least a few days a year of quality bonding time in your local doctor's office and/or hospital. Also perfect for anyone who enjoys that special thrill of seeing their partner in a germ mask. Sexy.

Prednisone: Do you know someone who might truly enjoy injecting with insulin, eating two entire pizzas washed down with pickle-topped ice cream sundaes and three family-size bags of potato chips, then burning off the calories with a round of insomnia-fueled mania -- all while crying hysterically over that rerun of Saved By The Bell where Jessie got addicted to caffeine pills and was "so excited, so excited, so...scared"? Does that special patient in your life ever stand in front of the mirror dreaming of a rounder face and possibly some gorgeous facial hair to complete that "sexy cavewoman" look we all crave? Have a friend or family member who's recently been complaining that her mood is too darn stable and her weight too effing predictable? If you answered yes to any of these commonly asked questions, then you definitely need some prednisone for her stocking. Just make sure you hide your serving of the holiday dinner somewhere safe (and preferably padlocked) before she opens her gift.

Valcyte: If you crave side effects but immuno-suppressants just aren't your style, let our personal pharmacy shoppers hook you up with some fabulous Valcyte. CMV ain't got nothing on this little pink pill, we promise. And if you really want to show her you care, why not consider upgrading to the IV Ganciclovir version? We guarantee this little gift will have her Craving More Valcyte before the year is over!

Antibiotics/Antivirals/Antifungals: And just in case your special someone isn't a CMV mismatch, never fear: we've still got you covered! These drugs can treat everything from paraflu to pseudomonas to all the stomach problems that come as a direct result from treating paraflu and pseudomonas*! Still not sure this is the gift for you? Let us put your mind at ease: if your beloved is ever planning on going out in public again -- ever -- she needs these drugs. She probably needs them just to sit in the same room with you if YOU ever go out in public again, and she definitely needs them if she ever plans to eat anything. Seriously. Buy them. Now.

*Note: the author of this statement makes no representations as to the actual effectiveness of such treatment at actually easing the nausea, digestive issues, and other stomach problems that might arise from antibiotic use. She just knows from experience that too many antibiotics leads to stomach problems that lead to more antibiotics. Why this works (in theory, at least) is completely beyond her understanding of the human body. As an aside, she also admits that she did NOT do well in high school biology, which probably explains a lot.

Beta-Blockers: Need a gift for the transplant patient who has everything? Do you want to make sure your token of love goes straight to her heart -- literally? Then let us suggest beta-blockers. These drugs are 100% guaranteed to slow the heart and lower the blood pressure, likely while lulling your beloved into a nice, drowsy state that may or may not cancel out the insomnia and/or mania induced by other drugs on this list. And while a slow heart rate and lower blood pressure might not be exactly the response you're looking for in the heat of the moment, let us assure you that they are better than the alternative in this case.

All The Old CF Staples (Or Many of Them, Anyway): Hey, let's face it: sometimes it's just hard to let go. For the nostalgic among us, why not try a gift of some of your old favorites? Pancreatic enzymes? Yes, please! ADEKs/Source CF vitamins? Sign us up! Hey, even the occasional round of TOBI, Colistin, or Cayston can make an excellent stocking stuffer. Remember: we all like to be surprised once and a while, but some drugs are simply not going anywhere -- just like her CF pancreas!

Of course, if none of these suggestions tickle your fancy, be sure to check out our "Save on Healthcare Insurance Today" (SHIT) gift card program for .2% discounts off your loved one's next insurance premium, doctor's visit, or drug copay*. Sure, it ain't much, but with the current healthcare system, you should be glad we're offering anything at all. Gift certificates run $1,000,000 each and carry a maximum value of $5. Trust us, it makes sense.

*Discounts cannot be used to purchase any drug commonly taken by humans or to visit any licensed medical professional other than those who possess x-ray vision and are able to leap tall buildings in a single bound (some exclusions may apply within this category). Certificates are void on weekends, holidays, and any day ending in "Y". Gift cards purchased through the SHIT program are non-refundable and may result in higher payments in the long run. We apologize for any inconvenience these restrictions might cause and assure you that our staff is working on a timely and effective solution. In the meantime, if you have a problem with any of the above, please keep quiet and do nothing -- as anything else could seriously dampen our holiday spirit and bottom line. Thanks in advance from the Scrooge Healthcare System!

Happy shopping!


  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

  2. I love this post. I created a link to this on my blog. I would love to post the entire blog for my readers if you don't mind. . but for now I have directed them here to read it! What a great idea! You're amazing!

  3. Ditto to Jamie's comment. I'd love to link to it. Excellent post. Just the perfect amount of sarcasm. The sad thing, is that's it mostly true.
    Im on high doses of pred all the time, I can't even imagine what's it like to be on those other drugs as well.

  4. Hilarious. Absolutely hilarious.

  5. That's the best post EVER!!! I'm posting a link!

  6. Your post made me laugh out loud at my desk - I promptly sent it to all family and friends. Thanks, Piper!

  7. YOU my friend are not only a very talented writer but you have an EXCELLENT sense of humor. Thank you so much fot the laughs.

    Happy Holidays to you, my friend. Here's to a wonderful 2011.

  8. Very creative, indeed. Loved it.

    Is it too late to sign up for SHIT?

    Also, my friend Nexium is pissed. Not even a nod? It's ok...there are SO many F'in drugs (gifts) out there, it's unrealistic of Nexium to expect you'd get them all.