Public Service Announcement

Good news New York: I don't have swine flu!

That's right, there are, in fact, people who cough in daily life who are not currently infected with some deadly farm animal virus. I know that's hard to believe right now, but please take a moment to pause from your hysteria and realize that among all you "normal" people lives a whole slew of "coughers" - from asthmatics to CFers to, I dunno, people who just swallowed some milk wrong or something.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not offended when you jump in fright at my well-covered and (relatively) discreet public coughing fits. (The "relatively" there is b/c BELIEVE ME, if I was willing to really let them out these coughing sprees would seriously rock your world.) I'm not at all surprised or insulted when you just happen to feel the urge to switch checkout lines at Whole Foods or subway cars on the 2 train right after I give you a glimpse of my cysticness. I don't even particularly mind when you warn your child, rather loudly in my opinion, not to pet my dog because "the lady is sick and her doggy might have ugly germs." (That's right: "ugly germs." I assume this does not refer to germs that might actually make someone ugly, but then again what do I know?)

Nope, I get all that. As so many of you seem to have noticed, I myself am a "sick" person. And as a sick person, I get the urge to protect oneself and one's family from nasty pig bugs (or even "ugly" bugs, for that matter). In fact, if I hear YOU coughing, I'm also likely to try and put a little distance between us. The difference being that I'll most likely go out of my way to be discreet and polite about it, but then again maybe that's only because glaring at strangers doesn't seem to be a natural part of my personality.

But again, just to put your mind at ease, and in case you didn't hear me the first time: I DO NOT HAVE SWINE FLU. Or even human flu. And if I did I would know it, because I spend more time in the doctor's office in about a month than you probably do in an entire year. And if I for some reason did start running symptoms of the flu, I would stay home. Not just now, when the dreaded porker prognosis is sweeping the nation, but everyday. It's just how I was raised.

So rest assured. True, the cause of my cough is about a million times more fatal than swine flu and receives far less national attention, but you can't catch it. And that's all that really matters, right?