Thursday, April 30, 2009

Public Service Announcement

Good news New York: I don't have swine flu!

That's right, there are, in fact, people who cough in daily life who are not currently infected with some deadly farm animal virus. I know that's hard to believe right now, but please take a moment to pause from your hysteria and realize that among all you "normal" people lives a whole slew of "coughers" - from asthmatics to CFers to, I dunno, people who just swallowed some milk wrong or something.

Now don't get me wrong, I'm not offended when you jump in fright at my well-covered and (relatively) discreet public coughing fits. (The "relatively" there is b/c BELIEVE ME, if I was willing to really let them out these coughing sprees would seriously rock your world.) I'm not at all surprised or insulted when you just happen to feel the urge to switch checkout lines at Whole Foods or subway cars on the 2 train right after I give you a glimpse of my cysticness. I don't even particularly mind when you warn your child, rather loudly in my opinion, not to pet my dog because "the lady is sick and her doggy might have ugly germs." (That's right: "ugly germs." I assume this does not refer to germs that might actually make someone ugly, but then again what do I know?)

Nope, I get all that. As so many of you seem to have noticed, I myself am a "sick" person. And as a sick person, I get the urge to protect oneself and one's family from nasty pig bugs (or even "ugly" bugs, for that matter). In fact, if I hear YOU coughing, I'm also likely to try and put a little distance between us. The difference being that I'll most likely go out of my way to be discreet and polite about it, but then again maybe that's only because glaring at strangers doesn't seem to be a natural part of my personality.

But again, just to put your mind at ease, and in case you didn't hear me the first time: I DO NOT HAVE SWINE FLU. Or even human flu. And if I did I would know it, because I spend more time in the doctor's office in about a month than you probably do in an entire year. And if I for some reason did start running symptoms of the flu, I would stay home. Not just now, when the dreaded porker prognosis is sweeping the nation, but everyday. It's just how I was raised.

So rest assured. True, the cause of my cough is about a million times more fatal than swine flu and receives far less national attention, but you can't catch it. And that's all that really matters, right?


  1. Funny! I experienced a lot of death stares and worrisome looks at the gym yesterday after I got off of the stair stepper...


  2. Hahaha
    I love it!
    So true how people get there panties all in a wad!
    Also so funny how little they really know ;)

  3. What an awesome post! You should put that in the New York Times!!!!!

    What these people don't realize is that they are a whole lot more threatening to you than you are to them.

    I remember someone telling me one time that I should stay home and not go out "with that cold of yours". I said well, that would mean staying home the rest of my life (or until tx). Thanks for the advice!!!

  4. You are such a great writer. I love it.

    I have ebola, and I've told people so twice today when they asked if I have swine flu.

    Looks like something's in the air.... ;)

  5. I pretty much twittered that same idea earlier today. My friends said that when it happens I should vocalize "man, I haven't been feeling well since I got back from Mexico" to continue to freak them out.

  6. LOL your so funny.

    Me and my PT were just talking the other day about all the different comments and cough drops that I get when I cough out in public.

    And there is no way your dog has 'ugly germs' that make you ugly, I mean look how stinkin cute he is!!!

  7. Man am I sick of hearing about the dreaded swine flu!!! Get the hell over it people it's the dam flu!!!!!

    I would so so what Katie said ;)

  8. oh, preach on Piper! My facebook status yesterday alluded to the same thing, something along the lines of "i'm more worried about being mistaken as a swine flu case than actually catching it."

    I was in the grocery store yesterday and had one of those precious coughing fits where it won't stop until you kind of reverse sneeze, which I understand is alarming to the uninitiated. This adorable little boy stared at me with enormous eyes and then whispered loudly to his mom, "Mommy, do you think that lady has the pig flu?" I cracked up, Mom was mortified and very sweet, and just said "no, I think it's probably just allergies" and apologized, so I wasn't bothered or anything, but I'm glad to know I'm not the only CFer who's getting a little frustrated with this whole flu hysteria.

    And I promise I'll update my blog soon :o/ I'm awful at this...

  9. Oh Piper, that blog entry should be sent to the editor of a major newspaper or something! What a Hoot! But unfortunately I can totally relate. ~Juliet

  10. Heeeeeeeey! You left a comment on my post on I am really slow to figure out how blogspot works, but here's a link to mine:

    I'm going to prod around and try to understand how this works!