This is Hard

I'm not quite sure how to even sit down and write this post. Emotional roller coaster doesn't even begin to describe the events of last night, but I guess when in doubt, go with the cliche. And I guess in some ways, a roller coaster image is fitting: the highs and lows, the feeling of racing along a track over which you have no control, the slow motion of the moment contrasted with the whirlwind feeling you get when the ride is finally over, that whole "did that even just happen?" feeling of stepping out of the car.

This is hard.

Yes, this is Piper writing again. No, I'm not the world's most amazing recovery artist. Yes, that means I didn't get the lungs. The right lung, once again, wasn't perfect, and in this game you don't settle for any maybes. I'm so grateful to Columbia for being discriminating, for searching for lungs that are absolutely right for me, and for having the courage to pull the plug, even after 9 hours of build up, when the right lung just doesn't look...right.

Still, this is hard.

My right wrist is bruised beyond recognition from the arterial line -- a yellowish purple battle scar to remind me of the physical pain that is just a part of this process. My heart is bruised too, in a way that it wasn't after last week's dry run -- an invisible yet poignant scar to remind me of the emotional pain, the loss, and the tragedy that is also a part of this process. And, after two calls in less than two weeks, my hope is higher than ever that MY lungs are close behind all these rehearsals -- a beautiful light to hold onto to remind me of the beauty that is, of course, just a part of this process. It is all just a part of transplant -- such a miraculous, cruel, amazing, delicate, unpredictable science.

And it is hard.

So today I remind myself that hard doesn't always mean not worth it, and that for every "dry run" I've had someone else has been given a gift beyond measure. I remind myself that people are donating, that calls are coming, and that human kindness is flourishing and that strangers are constantly changing each others' lives through the simple choice to give not only of their money or time, but of themselves. I remind myself that it is not just my desire for new breath that controls this process, but a much wiser, more loving plan. I remind myself of all of this, and I promise to hold it all in my heart, to remember.

But, truth be told, it is hard.