Tuesday, June 22, 2010

Scars

I tried something new this morning.

As I was waking up and starting to feel the morning tinges of pain, I decided to hold off for a sec on the meds. Not out of some weird need to feel the pain, mind you, but simply because I wanted a minute to be WITH my new lungs. I wanted to really feel them for just a second.

So I felt, for the first time, my scars and my staples.

It wasn't much, really. For starters I've learned my lesson about staying ahead of pain, and for seconds I didn't need long to accomplish my mission. I simply touched my staples and those lines across my chest that so delicately encase my new gift. I said a quick prayer of thanksgiving and then I moved my fingers away to get on with the business of healing and breathing. It wasn't overly dramatic or sentimental. It wasn't a flurry of excitement.

It was perfect.

What I feel right now is peace. Peace in my chest, peace in my mind, peace with my healing. And even during the bad moments of pain and cramps and,yes, even fear, that peace seems to hold steady, waiting patiently for me to come home to the reality that my lungs are not dying. My spirit is not lost. My soul is at home with this kindred spirit now alive in my chest.

And I can feel my scars.

The crazy thing is that I can't really see my scars because they don't span my whole chest. They run on either side from under my armpit to the bottom of my breast - probably about 4 inches each. From my perspective, they are nearly invisible, but I know others would see them clearly. And somehow I like that metaphor - scars on display but, to their owner, felt rather than seen. Like my new lungs I know they are there, and yet they appear to me as seamless parts of myself. I can feel them and that is enough.

I am blessed beyond measure.


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPhone

19 comments:

  1. Having had the meconium ileus scar my whole life, lung tx scars would be like a Medal of Honor scar, girl. Heal up and, good grief, stay ahead of the pain. ;-)

    Great going, Piper! You've made it this far. I'll be looking for you in the NY Marathon next year.

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  2. That's so beautiful, Piper. I hope that when I get my lungs I'm half as aware as you are of the gift and not the pain. Keep it up! xoxo Love, Justine

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  3. You have such a way with words. Thank you for sharing your heart and your transplant journey. I pray you continue to have that peace through out the days to come.

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  4. 4 inches each!? Brat! JUST KIDDING! Mine is all the way around baby. But, you can't even see it. It's long since faded!

    Hope the back is better!

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  5. That must have been quite the feeling! It seems like you have the whole world on your side Piper and the love thrown your way is inspiring. Thank you for sharing it all with us :)

    Ronnie

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  6. This took my breath (in a very good way) and brought tears to my eyes. I hope you realize the far reaching affect your spirit, your beautiful, beautiful spirit has on so many you have never even met. God has not only blessed you but He is using you to bless others!

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  7. I look forward to my scar, thinking of it as battle wound, a "medal of honor" (as Jesse said). Mine won't be hidden from me, or from the world. In fact, it will be the most obvious of all transplant scars (a cut right down the front of my chest that even a crew neck tee likely won't hide). And I'll be proud to wear it, just as you are at such peace with your scars and your lungs, and with the promise of so much ahead of you. You really do write beautifully, and you make the journey somehow less fearful, I think, for so many of us who have yet to follow in your footsteps. And for this (and so much more), I thank you.
    xoxo,
    Rhi

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  8. I love the way you write (or type as the case may be!) it is inspiring and I'm always left in awe...

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  9. Scars.. they're a beautiful thing!

    sooooo... do you not have the clamshell, rather two separate scars?

    Continued good vibes that you're outta there soon!

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  10. I tried to take a picture of my lung tx scar about a month ago, and my scar didn't show up in the pics... I have a clamshell scar btw. I miss it. LOL.

    However, my kidney tx scar is very visible. Scars are wonderful.. they remind me of victory. XOXO

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  11. "Like my new lungs I know they are there, and yet they appear to me as seamless parts of myself " - love that!

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  13. I thought for sure there were gonna be pictures LOL!!!!

    4"?? how did they get them through that?? I want small scars like that...I am so vain lol

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  14. This brought me so much emotion - speechless here, and so happy for you. You have such a gift with words. Your genuine gratitude for this gift you have been given is touching. So happy you are able to articulate it. Thank you for sharing this.
    Blessings on your continued healing!

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  15. Such food for thought Piper! Much peace to you.

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  16. Love your post as I felt the same way. I can only wish that my scars were that tiny!! But, like Jesse P said, my scars are my medal of honor. They remind me of what I have been through and of how thankful I am that I am still here. Love you Cyster!

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  17. Beautifully written Piper. Your scars are a badge of honor.

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  18. Beautiful Piper. I look forward to my scars!

    Still Waiting,
    Kerry

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  19. wow...god bless you.

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